I remember back in 2007 when I was at ST you assigned me to a writing project (I don’t specifically remember what it was). You asked me what I thought the purpose was. After I unsuccessfully hemmed and hawwed to try and find the “right” answer, you informed me that the purpose of the project was to learn in the process of doing.

That idea had a profound effect on me and my recovery. I could not hope to recover in the hopes of gaining something, or else I would have had no real hopes of being free from my eating disorder, chemical dependency, etc. I imagined myself in the most horrible and traumatic situations humans can experience, but I pictured myself remaining solidly in recovery. I had a profound realization that I had to stop making excuses for acting out, and that no matter what, recovery would always, always, always come first.

There were days that recovery didn’t seem to fulfill the expectations I wanted it to. The problems were still there. I believe that the only reason I was able to maintain recovery (especially in the critical few early months) was my conviction that recovery wasn’t there to DO something for me. Recovery isn’t another quick fix! It is only something that occurs in the present moment, and recovery absolutely does not mean that I will feel “good.”

In reference to your post, I saw my old mentality, depsite the fact that you weren’t referring directly to eating disorders. (Eating disorders are just the manifestation of the disordered eating and body images that the vast majority of Western cultures have, in my opinion…the end of the continuum).

My new mentality, two years into recovery, is this: I can’t say I always feel 100% dead sexy…far from it. I can’t say I feel like I have a “perfect” body, but I don’t care! It’s not about a weight, a size, approval from a guy…my body is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what I value about myself.

I love my body, but to be honest, I don’t really worry about it’s appearance (or numbers or whatever) too much! I really don’t like pushing it too hard, b/c I’ve grown to enjoy being physically comfortable. I used to enjoy the ego boost I felt from being able to tolerate Spartan diets and exercise schedules. But really, who cares?! No one ever came up to me and begged for my autograph b/c I was skinny! I was a very sad and lonely person when I cared that much about food and weight, and not about my health.

I can’t emphasize the extent of how much happier and fulfilled my life is since I’ve stopped obsessing about losing weight. For someone who needs to lose weight, it is no different. First comes happiness, self-respect, joy, etc….then losing weight will come for the right reasons.

And if you don’t lose the weight, it’s not the worst thing in the world, since you gained self-esteem, satisfaction, and a more profound meaning in your life.

You may find out more about me and my practice in Castle Rock, CO at my website, http://www.TamaraSuttle.com.