Being a “good girl” often means at its most basic level, not being authentic; not being able to express yourself authentically. If you want to overcome binge eating or a negative body image, you need to realize those good girls can NEVER express anger. Over many past newsletters, I have highlighted the importance of being aware of your emotions as an important step in putting an end to unwanted behaviors such as binge eating, compulsive overeating, food addiction, and emotional eating. Often we use archetypes as a way to deal with our emotions, covering up our personal truth. But it’s more important now than ever to bring context to the roles or archetypes that define women’s body identity and body image and most especially tend to define women living in larger bodies.
In this episode, you will learn:
- How the roles we play can have an impact on our body size and body image.
- How archetypes can hide the truth of who we are.
- How to find your truth beneath the roles you play.
STUDY GUIDE : HOMEWORK
- Identify which archetype fits you best.
- Look for the “truth” that your archetype may hold for you.
- Listen to the Archetype meditation in the podcast and to recapture the dreams you may have lost or thrown away because of limits you or others placed on you because of your body size
Schedule free Anchor Program consult: https://findingyouranchor.as.me/consult
Here is the link to my #TEDxPleasantGrove talk on intergenerational trauma: https://youtu.be/ljdFLCc3RtM
Well, I hope you guys are managing during these difficult times. One good piece of news is that it’s getting cooler at least here in Southern California, the hot days, hopefully the hot summer days are, are over and we’re starting to see a little fall weather. The bad news is everything else that’s happening in the world and in our country and the quarantine going on. And so many people who’ve lost their lives. Who’ve lost family members because of that. As you know, I my self was sick with the COVID virus and it’s been a long recovery for me too. So I’m glad I didn’t have to go in the hospital. I’m grateful that I’m still alive and it was no joke having COVID-19 was no joke.
So let’s talk about something different. Know what I mean? We’re going to talk today about why being a good girl leaves so much to be desired. So, you know, when I’m talking about that, I’m really talking about archetypes and archetypes are kind of like the roles that we play and I’m in really be focusing on the roles that women play, but this is the same for men so that, you know, the typical definition of archetype is a very typical example of a certain person or thing. So one of the most common archetypes for women is a mother. The mothering archetype, but many of us have been socialized to be good little girls that kind of archetype. And you may thinking to yourself, well, that’s very interesting Dr. Ross, but have to do with me or what does it mean? Well, it means a few things being the good girl lock archetype often means at its most basic level. That you’re not able to, or not allowed to be really yourself to be authentic, to not be able to express your emotions authentically, to not be able to take authentic action and in particular, good girls are never expected to express anger.
Now, actress, Tracy Ellis, who I love she’s Dianna Ross’s daughter. Yes. And she’s an actress now in the sitcom Blackish, which is so funny and so good. But she said in a recent Ted talk, a woman’s fury holds lifetimes of wisdom. I love that a woman’s fury holds lifetimes of wisdom. Now, even using the word, fury can make a good girl, like me feel a little uncomfortable, but many women now are feeling not only fury, but rage and over many of the past broadcast, you know, I’ve talked to you about, so here’s, here’s the relevant part. I’ve talked to you about how emotions drive our behaviors, our binge eating, uh, compulsive eating, food, addiction, behaviors, and emotional eating. So when you’ve bend socialized to be the good little girl, then you are holding all these emotions in and one of the ways you hold those emotions in is through using food. So refer to past podcasts that past podcast. I’ve talked a lot about this topic, but I think it’s really important now for us to recognize the importance of being aware of your emotions as an important step and putting an end to these unwanted behaviors that I just mentioned.
Now, often we use archetypes as a way to deal with our emotions or cover up our personal truth. But it’s more important now than ever to bring context to these roles are archetypes that often define a woman’s body and a T and most especially tend to define how women feel about themselves when they’re living in larger bodies. So see if you can use your body wisdom in other words, breathe into your body and keep breathing. Cause I’m going to talk more about this. To determine the truth, your personal truth. That’s underlying the roles you play in your current body. So I’m going to give you some examples of archetypes. So hopefully you can see what I mean and see, see, you may identify with more than one of these archetypes, so that’s fine. That’s normal. But just see which ones you relate to and what the underlying truth can be. So the first one is the I’ll just start with the sexy mama archetype, you may be proud of your curves and you feel you have a right to flood them and you show off your body and type foot fitting, sexy clothing. Now, sometimes your sexiness may be understood because, you know, that’s what happens in this world, but that’s not your problem. The problem, again, we want to address is what is the underlying truth. So here’s the question for you when I’m acting sexy? What do I really want? And sometimes that could be like, I want to be loved for who, uh, who I am. Be your underlying truth, maybe it’s I want to be in a stable relationship. I don’t know.
The second archetype is the radical archetype. You you’re maybe the kind of person who wants to flip off anyone who calls you fat, being angry is your way of coping with fat shaming and being stigmatized for your size. And you may see yourself as a fierce that activist. So, what is, is there a truth that is, that this archetype is covering up, perhaps it is that you want to have your voice heard that you want people to pay attention to you? I can definitely relate to that. Maybe it’s, uh, the truth. If my anger could talk, it would say what I really need is fill in the blank. So to uncover your truth look at that question. What if your anger could talk, what would it really be saying that you want or need?
So let’s go back to the good girl archetype. You may be a people pleaser and, you know, being a people pleaser doesn’t necessarily always mean that you are, you know, shy or obsequious or always you know, trying to make people happy, but it may mean you’re, you’re one of those people who prefers to avoid conflict or feels very uncomfortable with conflict and wants other people to like you, what is the truth that, that may cover up, maybe it’s that you want to be accepted for who you are? So the question is when I’m saying yes, even when, I mean, no, what is it that I really want or need.
All right. There’s another one that do gooder archetype. You’re the person who can not say no that somebody says you want to be on this committee. Do you want to do this? And you say yes, yes. At your own detriment. Right? Sometimes people take advantage of you, but a part of you doesn’t mind because you’re all about helping others. So, what is the truth? That’s under the do gooder archetype. The truth may be maybe it’s I want to be included, I want to be part of the group, be connected to a team, my community So think about that or maybe the truth is if I could never, again, help another person something would be missing for me. What would be missing for you that may help you identify the truth?
All right. Another power that another archetype is the Power Broker archetype. You like being in charge, running the show. You don’t want to be perceived as weak are incapable. So what is the truth for you? Maybe it’s that you want to be taken seriously in your career and in other areas of your life, you want to be seen as strong and competent. But what is that covering up? If anything, ask yourself what you feel when you’re in charge and what you do when you’re not in charge. So sometimes people with this archetype feel weak or taken advantage of if they’re not allowed to be in charge.
All right, let’s go on to big mama archetype. You see yourself as nurturing threat non-threatening your kid’s friends love to come to your house and you’re the first one to bring baked goods for the bake sale, but you feel guilty taking care of yourself. So maybe your truth is I want to know that I am worth caring for myself. So here’s your question to uncover the truth by taking care of other people. What I get for myself is what, so what do I get from myself by taking care of other people?
And finally, well, I have two more. The next one is the joker archetype. You deflect any compliments or diffuse conflict with humor. Everyone loves to be around you because you’re so funny. Maybe the truth for you is that you are lonely. You want companionship. So again, the question for you is what does being funny make you feel? And what would you feel like if you couldn’t ever be funny again, or everybody stopped laughing at your joke.
Okay. Now their archetype is the wounded child archetype. On this in this one, you feel as if life is against you and nothing will ever go your way. You’re always the victim of your life. Maybe your truth is I want to be able to take care of myself and stand on my own two feet. But all I need is a little support. So ask yourself the question. What would help me feel stronger when I feel as though life or other people are against me.
So, you know, these, these are some of the archetypes. And as I mentioned, they may, at times cover up a certain truth. We all play many different roles in our lives, and we all express these different archetypes. Usually more than one, these roles may have been thrust on us by parents. They may have been chosen unconsciously by ourselves or adopted with full awareness. So for example, you may have been thrust into a caretaker archetype because you had to take had to caretake your parents. When you were a child, maybe one of your parents was ill or, uh, someone who was had a substance use disorder or a mental illness. And then as an adult, you continue in this comfortable role by becoming a nurse or a doctor i.e. the do gooder archetype hashtag myself. So there is no right or wrong about any of the archetypes or roles that we have in our lives, but it is important just to be aware of that. The roles that we’re playing and how body size or shape may have unconsciously shaped our choices. And then the next thing is to remember who you are and what your truth is behind that role, you know, more and more women of all sizes, ages shapes and races are being called to express their truth and it’s pretty exciting to see really, you know, the woman’s March was back at the beginning of this year, and then we have very young women, including, Greta I think her last name is Turnberg or something. Um, who is the climate change activists. And so many young women who are marching for uh, you know, for black lives matter, et cetera. So we all play these roles. And I think the most important thing is just being conscious and aware of the roles and recognizing the truth for yourself beneath those roles.
So I’d love to do a little meditation with you, and I’m just going to ask you to find yourself in a place where you won’t be interrupted for a few minutes and where you can either sit on the floor or sit in a chair with your feet on the floor, on the floor. And this ex, this meditation is about recapturing the dreams you may have lost or thrown away, even because of limits that you or others have placed on you because of your body size. So before you began, let’s start with three deep breaths breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth with each breath. Feel the breath moved through your body from the top of your scalp to the soles of your feet. See if you can feel the energy of your breath moving through your body, maybe there’s tingling. Maybe there’s just a heightened awareness of your breath moving through your face, your neck, your shoulders, your arms into your belly and your back, your down, your hips, your legs, and all the way to the bottoms of your feet. I just take one more deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Now, imagine your body floating through air like a balloon free and clear to move about wherever it wants to go. You can also imagine your body floating on a cloud or floating into space. Just experience this sensation of your body being free, not even constrained by gravity or by the gravity of others or your own expectations. Now breathe into that feeling of your body being free. Just notice how calm and peaceful it is. And with that feeling and staying in connection with your body sensation. I want you to think about how your weight and food issues have led you to play certain roles in your life, maybe to choose certain careers or to marry a certain person or to be friends with certain people. For example, maybe as a kid, you were bullied and this led you to have a desire to protect other kids. So you became a teacher and you’re really happy in your work. So think about how your weight and food issues led you to play certain roles in your life to express certain architypes. And just notice how that feels. Is that still true for you? Is that role still true for you? Take a moment and think of another role you play in your life. As a friend, as a daughter, as a mother, as a sister. And again, think of how your weight in food issues, your body image and food issues led you to play certain roles in your life. And just notice how that feels. Okay. Also notice whether that still fits for you.
Now continue to be aware of your breathing, continue to stay connected to your body sensations. And now we want to talk about dreams you want to remember and bring back into your life. So now think. Of dreams that you may have had even as a child that remain unfulfilled and that you want to bring back into your life. There’s probably at least one that pops right up and just allow yourself to feel into that. And what are, what’s the truth about that drain? What kind of, what are the needs from that archetype or that role that you find you want to find new ways to satisfy in your life? Remember with each archetype you may be covering up a truth. So what did that role that you had a dream about what truth did it want to express and how might you satisfy that in your life now? And how does that feel to think about bringing that train back into your life?
All right now, think of another dream that you want to remember and bring back into your life. What are the needs from archetypes that we’ve discussed, that you want to find new ways to satisfy in your life? Okay. What does this dream, what, what is the truth about this dream? What did it feel for you to bring that train back into your life? Would it fit or not?I have one more dream. You want to remember and bring back into your life. Maybe it’s a dream for your family or how you wanted your family to be, and maybe that dream hasn’t been completely fulfilled. Maybe it’s a dream as a mother dream as a wife, think about what the truth is under that dream. What value or role you would be expressing for that train? What are the needs? How would it feel to bring that dream back?
Now take another deep breath in, through your nose and out through your mouth. Okay. Continue to just for a little longer. Enjoy the feeling of your body being free from the constraints of gravity free from your own or other people’s expectations, floating on a cloud, peel your body completely calm and relaxed. Okay. Take one last deep cleansing breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. And then slowly bring yourself back to the room where you’re sitting or laying down, move your fingers and your toes, and then gently open your eyes.
So I hope that was helpful with you and for you and that you, if you are able to identify with any of the archetypes that you’re able to also find the truth beneath that role, and to make sure that that role still fits for you or does it need to be modified or, or shifted. So this is the time for us to really express ourselves authentically. There’s so much in the world that is inauthentic right now, that, you know, and we as women you know, have the power to change not only just our families, but also to change other people around us. So by expressing what’s true for us, that is one way that we can do it.
So I thank you for listening to this podcast. I hope that you enjoy the meditation. I want to just ask you or tell you about next week’s program on next week’s podcast, we’re going to be talking about what’s called radical acceptance. So radical acceptance has to do with accepting things that are really difficult to accept. So maybe during this pandemic time, you’re struggling with difficult financial issues. Maybe you’ve been laid off, maybe your careers or your business is not working out the way you expected. Maybe relationships have broken up or there’s conflict within your family. These are all things that are difficult to accept. And we’re going to talk next week on the podcast about how to use radical acceptance. To help you get through this period of time.
So come back, please leave a review so we can get the word out, leave a review on iTunes or Spotify or wherever you can. And I look forward to talking with you next week. Dr. Ross signing off.
